30 Days Of Submission: Day Twenty Two

Milkshake anyone!!!

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

This question for me will be one off the easiest to answer, as I have always felt submissive and until recently I wasn’t serving or had a Dominant partner.

During the time leading up to finding a Dominant partner who practised and/or lived the BDSM lifestyle; whether we are talking about ex-Sir or Daddy, then I would always try to be the submissive with in a vanilla relationship(s), although not always successfully and not always get all that I was looking for within that relationship.

Within my marriage with E, I tried to be submissive towards him, I learned all his likes and dislikes, I would keep a clean house, have his dinner waiting for him when he got home from work, make sure that children’s homework was done, take them to all their activities, health check-ups, etc.

My hopes were to have a kind of marriage that my parents and grandparents had, I didn’t want to admit for the longest time that there was issues and our marriage was failing and to be perfectly honest there is was cracks in our relationship before we were even got married, I pushed them to one side and told myself “I just have to try harder to please him.”

It is hard to make a marriage to work when you are only one willing to work on it, if you are only one who is willing to attend therapy to see if we could work through the issues and if you are only one who seems to desire sexual contact.

With all of what was said above was enough to make most marriages fail fast, but add in the fact I wanted, desired and seeked for him to be more Dominate with me and our marriage and his refusal to even discuss it, never mind research or try it for a time.  My desire and need became that great that I had to be honest and admit it to not only myself but also him.  Not only ask him for a separation but also a divorce.  During that time, I must admit not too feeling so submissive hehe.

All I was seeking for in my marriage was for us to practice 50’s household, Taken in Hand and domestic discipline I wasn’t looking for rules and/or contracts.  I have to admire him for saying no to following me, but I also feel disappointed that I have soon become yet another static and the feeling of failure has hit my confidence greatly.

But on the other hand, I have reason to smile as I have meet some amazing people through my desire to be a submissive, some I admire so much, some I have taken advice from, some who have become close friends and also I have had pleasure of meeting not only ex-Sir but now Daddy.

Yes, there is still stressors, I still have a long path to travel but today I am so pleased with my decision to embrace my submissive side and to life within BDSM lifestyle.  I hope long may it continue.

I hope you all have  a happy weekend ;-P and maybe a naughty one also.

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