There has been a general/common thread through my WordPress reader this week, not all the blogs I read are based BDSM but two thirds of them are based in and around relationships and sex with the relationships.
Within my relationships throughout my life I; on the whole, have been lucky and found gents who have treated me well, although the majority of these relationships have been vanilla until lately. I have had the misfortune to meet, date and had a relationship with two different men who were abusive with me; both physically and psychologically, in my late teens and early 20’s and I swore to myself I would learn to protect my kids and myself better. I learned what to look out off, that warning signs.
Within BDSM like the “normal” vanilla lifestyle there is poser’s, fakes and fraud’s which a submissive has to be aware of and watch out for. These people can be very dangerous and give the Dominant’s out there a bad name.
MarMari opened up the discussion with this:
I found this post while surfing the internet and I am rebloging it here because I think it’s important to know, especially as a new sub. She’s a bit harsh but that is why I like her.
I didn’t agree with if he has never been to a munch, a dungeon, a kink-related class, and has no ties to the local kink community. He’s a fraud. Some can’t go or simply don’t want to be associated in that scene
a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities
ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence
My experience in the world of bdsm has lead me to believe that the vast majority of men that identify as dominant, are frauds. Most of the time they are sad, lonely, socially unskilled creatures that hide behind a mask of false dominance and prey upon unsuspecting women interested in exploring their kinky side. Often they are uneducated, underemployed, unattractive, and uninteresting. If there is one thing they all claim to have in common it is a claim to a high degree of intelligence. I call bullshit.
Having encountered many of these men in my own journey, I have decided to compile a list of red flags (with some help from my friends) that may prove helpful to those new to the scene.
He should offer personal information before you ask for it. A refusal to do so is a HUGE red flag. And telling you he’s “a private person” is bullshit.
Trust your gut. Bound and naked in a hotel room is the wrong time to discover the difference between a true Dominant and a predator.
His toy bag contains all “homemade” toys and/or everything seems to be brand new.
He doesn’t have any references or claims to have them but has trouble getting them to you.
He calls you “slut” (or another equally misogynistic names) straight off the bat, before establishing a rapport with you. Real Dominants earn respect.
Test his ego: See if he has ever or would ever submit. Whether he has or would is irrelevant. It’s his reaction you’re looking for.
He insists on highly sexual play from the get-go, before establishing a relationship or boundaries.
He expects you to participate in dangerous play you might not be comfortable with, such as breath play, cutting, etc.
He claims that you don’t need a safe word.
He doesn’t take personal responsibility or admit wrongdoing. Everything is always someone else’s (and soon to be her) fault.
He is young (under 35) and claims to have ten years experience.
He doesn’t allow his submissive to have any limits; or he doesn’t respect them after they are established.
He claims to be in an “open relationship” but refuses to provide any verifiable information about his primary partner.
He has never been to a munch, a dungeon, a kink-related class, and has no ties to the local kink community.
He expects for you to pay for and/or provide toys, meals, gas, hotel expenses, etc.
He wants to “own” or “collar” you after a brief period of time.
His stories and/or timelines don’t add up or are inconsistent.
He easily loses control of his emotions. Doms need to be in full control of themselves before they can control someone else.
Watch out for Doms who criticize the way you play, or way you think, or anything about you, really. Doms should support and offer constructive feedback.
He hides behind his D/s authority and thinks it shouldn’t be questioned. The best Dominants are mentors/teachers.
You’re relationship with him is beginning to cause problems in your “normal” life (with family, friends, significant other, career, etc).
Don’t rush. Don’t hurry. And run screaming from anyone who tries to push you into anything you aren’t ready for!!
Then this morning Maggie Carpenter added to the discussion by writing:
Is there any greater challenge in the world of D/s, than that of a sub seeking a Dominant? Not just a Dominant, but a Dominant who shares her perspective of the lifestyle. A Dominant with whom she can communicate. A Dominant who will treasure her and understand the precious gift she offers.
The very nature of the submissive soul places her in a vulnerable state, and if she is young or inexperienced it is a formidable task at best. Not just because finding a compatible match is difficult in itself, but because the field of potential suitors is riddled with frauds, liars, domineering egotistical men who prey on the vulnerable – and – well – you get the point. Even for a wise, experienced submissive it is challenging. For a newbie – it is nothing less than a minefield.
The D/s dynamic is a deeply personal experience and what works for one may not work for another. Generally speaking, I see the Dominant as a romantic, communicative, nurturing and supportive man, who is erotically charged, intuitive, and never cruel, unkind, aloof or uncaring.
The men I’m about to describe do not possess the heart of a Dominant as I have described him. They wear masks to hide their true nature and do so with cleverness and cunning. I suggest no woman should allow herself to be at the mercy of a man unless and until she has had the opportunity to observe him over a period of time. If he is the devil in disguise, at some point the truth of who he is will show itself. A little patience and a lot of smarts could save both her body and emotional well being.
This fellow is cunning and brilliantly manipulative. He uses emotional triggers to cause havoc, sending the unsuspecting, trusting sub into a series of ups and downs, culminating in a devastating state of self doubt and low self esteem.
The Psycho-Dom ultimately creates a psychological dependence, resulting in the victim’s belief that she cannot live without him and becomes trapped in an emotional tornado from which she feels there is no escape.
Many of these men are narcissists and/or sociopaths. The insidious carnage will begin slowly, the Psycho-Dom using his incredible charm and false kindness to draw in his victim. The sweetness will unexpectedly transform into destructive fury or cold withdrawal, leaving the victim wondering what she could possibly have done to incur such wrath.
WATCH FOR: Initially – too charming, too sweet, too giving, too perfect. It’s all about them. Overly confident and egotistical. Extremely critical. At the first sign of emotional blackmail, extreme possessiveness or sudden, severe personality change, bolt!
Sadly the Abuser is all too common. Simply put, this is a man who uses the BDSM – or Dominant – labels as an excuse to abuse the women in his life.
The innocent, inexperienced sub may find it difficult to determine the difference between discipline within the D/s relationship, and the man who whips her mercilessly for his own twisted gratification stating, “You’re my sub and I’ll punish you as I see fit.” Inasmuch as this is a common term in the D/s dynamic, it is easily hijacked and used to the Abuser’s advantage.
It goes without saying that anytime a woman, sub or vanilla, finds herself in a situation where she feels what she is experiencing is abuse, she should get out first and ask questions later.
WATCH FOR: He tells you a safe word isn’t necessary. Like the Psycho-Dom he’s possessive. He denigrates women and is overly critical. He has a bad temper. He’ll strike in anger – then tell you it’s your fault. At that point you’ve already stayed too long. Bolt.
If you’re looking for a serious, monogamous relationship watch out for The Married Dom. Oftentimes this predator doesn’t reveal his ‘complicated situation’ until it’s too late. The definition of Too Late? The sub is hopelessly in love. We all know the pitfalls of becoming involved with a married man. No need to go into detail here…
WATCH FOR: He will only offer a cell phone number. He will suggest places to eat in areas away from his work area. He never invites you to his home. He is unavailable on weekends and holidays. (Same signs as his vanilla counterpart).
These guys are really scary. They genuinely want to hurt you. There is nothing romantic or loving about them. They enjoy watching others suffer, both physically and emotionally, and have contempt for those around them. They relish the humiliation of their victims and are naturally duplicitous. Because most find sexual satisfaction in their sadism, they can disguise themselves as Dominants.
WATCH FOR: OBD (obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Putting you or themselves in unnecessary danger. Ongoing anxiety. The became easily and quickly irritated. Anger issues. Overly aggressive.
As the blog on MariMar’s page stated, there are many frauds, con men and posers out there. There is so much more I would like to say and perhaps I’ll do a follow up blog at some point. I will add that over time have learned to listen to what is actually said and not what I want to hear. I no longer make excuses for another’s bad behavior, and common sense and intuition are my best friends.
For all the danger lurking in the shadows, there are some wonderful Princes in the world who are just as frustrated as the Princesses they seek.
Keep the faith! At least we are watching out for each other and when we do stumble across “The One” – WOW – it will have all been worth it.
There is one type of Dominant that they haven’t mentioned within both posts, it is been causing problems on different websites like Fetlife and that is so called Dominate that has read “50 Shades of Grey” and think all submissive’s are an easy lay; submissive are just waiting to be fucked by any Dominant, and they haven’t got any experience of spanking, using the equipment like flogger or crop and are unwilling to accept advice from others. The ones I have chatted with on Fetlife 90% of them are married as well.
I am not having a go at those who have read “50 Shades of Grey” and they have made the decision to join the lifestyle; as I also know a few people like that, I admire them. The difference between those who had joined after reading THAT book and the type of Dominant I described above is the willingness to accept and seeking advice from others, willingness to learn.
Vile and Scott; Dominates that I admire a lot and I have been following their blogs for sometime and they advice they give is from a Dominate’s point of view and therefore I feel they should be included within any discussion regarding Dominate.
Vile’s advice is for us submissive’s:
The thing is a Dominant will do the same thing. Some tend to hide their drama, their problems, being married, or drama with the ex.
Are you married? Where do you live? May I come and visit anytime I wish? May I call anytime I want? If your divorced do you have any problems or drama with the ex? Do I come first? What do you want out of this relationship? Where do you see us in the future? Are you poly? Are you a switch? Are you Bi?
Many more questions will come to mind, but you as the sub or slave need to be clear. When you first meet, do not be scared to express yourself, your needs and what you expect out of a relationship.
If you do not ask questions, and you wake up one morning wondering what the fuck, it is your fault, then you just have to suck it up.Then if you want to continue, it is on you. If you need an unhealthy relationship or you thrive on drama, and you crave to be put back on the second burner. Then live with it.
It is much harder for someone new, I always ask, anything on your mind, anything you would like to know, ask me. I live by the truth not my cock..
Don’t let someone waist your time. Do not let someone drag you through the mud. The Dominant should be upfront about his life. Kids, ex, family.
Get a not pad, and write a list, of what your looking for in a Dom, and what your not looking for in a Dom, hand him your list. This is what I expect and will except nothing less.
I have told my new slave, call me anytime you want, sleeping or not. text me anytime you want, come over anytime you want. She will get a key to my place. I have nothing to hide. While in a relationship, she will come first, and why would she expect anything less.
I find it amazing how little people could careless how they hurt someone, nor care about feelings, or what damage may be done.
Scott’s advice is:
In the shadow cast by a certain neutral hued book series I think its fair to say that BDSM and D/s are not only at an all-time zenith as far as interest but also acceptance. Yes, say what you will about the reason for it, but as I have already gone on record “a rising tide floats all boats.”
But be warned – the waters are deep, dark and below the surface sharks circle, waiting for the schools of “inexperienced yet curious females” to swim with grey colored glasses on right into their waiting jaws.
I have no doubts that various websites devoted to WIITWD are seeing all-time records in memberships. I also have no doubt that the overwhelming majority of the people on these are there for the right reasons.
But, sadly, I also have no doubt that sharks posing as Dominants circle and wait. And flirt. Flatter. Say all the right things. Use the best bait to reel in that cute little inexperienced yet curious fish.
In that I am fortunate enough to have as my wife, soul mate and best friend a D/s BDSM doll to play with I do not have to worry about any of the above. Many whose blogs I Follow are in the same boat (see how I tied this all together, and even used tied to describe my cleverness?) in that they too are married.
But for many they need to actively search for a playmate. Which is fine. I hope all those who are curious and inexperienced can discover, learn, share, enjoy and experience all the beauty of D/s and BDSM.
But not at the price of one single fucking teardrop shed in actual, honest fear. Not worth it.
And I do not mean fear as is being afraid of the unknown that is their true self. Truth be told I wish them a river of release that way. No, what I mean are tears that flow as the result of being fucking afraid for their well being and, sadly, maybe their lives.
Not worth it. Period.
So, for those of you who have accounts on these sites and may be in the midst of a digital exchange that makes you feel alive, an exchange that someday you want to become flesh and blood, in person, in some hotel room over a weekend of lust and perversion, I implore, no beg of you, to PLEASE not just have a safety plan but also this:
An “unsafe word.”
First, your plan. Let’s look at this from the outside. You are about to meet a stranger to whom you are going to offer your body, mind and soul to do with they wish, however they wish. Odds are this will likely involve binding you physically defenseless, sightless and unable to speak.
Think real fucking hard about that last sentence.
You have established in writing what your hard limits are. You’ve also established a safe word to use, which if uttered ends all activities NOW. And for gag play you also have a clear and precise safe hand motion. Leigh and I use pinkies to thumbs.
You have told a dear friend or family member where you are going to be, how long you are going to be there, and established with them that they can either call you or you them at predetermined times to assure your safety and well being. If these calls are not made on time, your call buddy is to contact the local authorities IMMEDIATELY with your location, car make, license plate, etc.
And make sure your Top to be knows about this. If they balk at it, do not go. Simple as that. It’s a hard limit.
I’d even go so far as to ask of the person who is about to Dominate you in person to allow you to snap a cell phone pic of their license plate. If they balk, leave. Now. You are trusting them with your most prized possession – you. If they do not trust you with some simple information, leave. Now. It is all about trust, remember?
And one final thing. Have an “unsafe word”.
Tell your call buddy this word. Make it something very plain, something that could be used in simple conversation, something that would not draw attention. Do NOT tell anyone else. Ever. Only you two know this word.
When you check in via phone you now have a way to convey a 911 message to your friend without drawing attention. Example – make up a child’s name. Perhaps you say “Give (Unsafe Word) a big hug for me!” Which your friend will hear as “CALL 911 NOW!”
This could even go a step further. You might have an “I’m Safe” word. This word would, again, tell your call buddy that you are OK. It’s actually an “Unsafe Word” in reverse. Unless they hear the “I’m Safe” word during your phone call, they know to contact the proper authorities immediately. This would eliminate a forced “I’m OK, everything’s great” message as a way to hide coercion.
If this sounds a bit paranoid, I apologize. I think of safe words and the lot as the BDSM equivalent of fire extinguishers. Odds are you will live your life and never use one. But when you need it…
I take my responsibilities as Leigh’s Sir very fucking seriously. I am very protective of those around me. This includes Peeker™ Nation. I do not want my words on a screen to be the first domino that set off what became, because of poor planing and a lack of common sense, a terrifying experience. Odds are the person to whom who are choosing to submit to will be all that you are looking for.
Not often you will see a Dom beg. I beg this of you. Just be careful, please?
Please guys, stay safe and enjoy the rest of our weekend.
Naughty little girl