In Search For A Dominant: Fake/Fraud

I have always loved this picture.

There has been a general/common thread through my WordPress reader this week, not all the blogs I read are based BDSM but two thirds of them are based in and around relationships and sex with the relationships.

Within my relationships throughout my life I; on the whole, have been lucky and found gents who have treated me well, although the majority of these relationships have been vanilla until lately.  I have had the misfortune to meet, date and had a relationship with two different men who were abusive with me; both physically and psychologically, in my late teens and early 20’s and I swore to myself I would learn to protect my kids and myself better.  I learned what to look out off, that warning signs.

Within BDSM like the “normal” vanilla lifestyle there is poser’s, fakes and fraud’s which a submissive has to be aware of and watch out for.  These people can be very dangerous and give the Dominant’s out there a bad name.

MarMari opened up the discussion with this:

I found this post while surfing the internet and I am rebloging it here because I think it’s important to know, especially as a new sub. She’s a bit harsh but that is why I like her.
I didn’t agree with if he has never been to a munch, a dungeon, a kink-related class, and has no ties to the local kink community. He’s a fraud. Some can’t go or simply don’t want to be associated in that scene

Fraud:
a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities

Dominant:
ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence

My experience in the world of bdsm has lead me to believe that the vast majority of men that identify as dominant, are frauds. Most of the time they are sad, lonely, socially unskilled creatures that hide behind a mask of false dominance and prey upon unsuspecting women interested in exploring their kinky side. Often they are uneducated, underemployed, unattractive, and uninteresting. If there is one thing they all claim to have in common it is a claim to a high degree of intelligence. I call bullshit.

Having encountered many of these men in my own journey, I have decided to compile a list of red flags (with some help from my friends) that may prove helpful to those new to the scene.

He should offer personal information before you ask for it. A refusal to do so is a HUGE red flag. And telling you he’s “a private person” is bullshit.

Trust your gut. Bound and naked in a hotel room is the wrong time to discover the difference between a true Dominant and a predator.

His toy bag contains all “homemade” toys and/or everything seems to be brand new.

He doesn’t have any references or claims to have them but has trouble getting them to you.

He calls you “slut” (or another equally misogynistic names) straight off the bat, before establishing a rapport with you. Real Dominants earn respect.

Test his ego: See if he has ever or would ever submit. Whether he has or would is irrelevant. It’s his reaction you’re looking for.

He insists on highly sexual play from the get-go, before establishing a relationship or boundaries.

He expects you to participate in dangerous play you might not be comfortable with, such as breath play, cutting, etc.

He claims that you don’t need a safe word.

He doesn’t take personal responsibility or admit wrongdoing. Everything is always someone else’s (and soon to be her) fault.

He is young (under 35) and claims to have ten years experience.

He doesn’t allow his submissive to have any limits; or he doesn’t respect them after they are established.

He claims to be in an “open relationship” but refuses to provide any verifiable information about his primary partner.

He has never been to a munch, a dungeon, a kink-related class, and has no ties to the local kink community.

He expects for you to pay for and/or provide toys, meals, gas, hotel expenses, etc.

He wants to “own” or “collar” you after a brief period of time.

His stories and/or timelines don’t add up or are inconsistent.

He easily loses control of his emotions. Doms need to be in full control of themselves before they can control someone else.

Watch out for Doms who criticize the way you play, or way you think, or anything about you, really. Doms should support and offer constructive feedback.

He hides behind his D/s authority and thinks it shouldn’t be questioned. The best Dominants are mentors/teachers.

You’re relationship with him is beginning to cause problems in your “normal” life (with family, friends, significant other, career, etc).

Don’t rush. Don’t hurry. And run screaming from anyone who tries to push you into anything you aren’t ready for!!

Then this morning Maggie Carpenter added to the discussion by writing:

Is there any greater challenge in the world of D/s, than that of a sub seeking a Dominant?  Not just a Dominant, but a  Dominant who shares her perspective of the lifestyle.  A Dominant with whom she can communicate.  A Dominant who will treasure her and understand the precious gift she offers.

The very nature of the submissive soul places her in a vulnerable state, and if she is young or inexperienced it is a formidable task at best.  Not just because finding a compatible match is difficult in itself, but because the field of potential suitors is riddled with frauds, liars, domineering egotistical men who prey on the vulnerable – and – well – you get the point.  Even for a wise, experienced submissive it is challenging.  For a newbie – it is nothing less than a minefield.

The D/s dynamic is a deeply personal experience and what works for one may not work for another.  Generally speaking, I see the Dominant as a romantic, communicative, nurturing and supportive man, who is erotically charged, intuitive, and never cruel, unkind, aloof or uncaring.

The men I’m about to describe do not possess the heart of a Dominant as I have described him.  They wear masks to hide their true nature and do so with cleverness and cunning.  I suggest no woman should allow herself to be at the mercy of a man unless and until she has had the opportunity to  observe him over a period of time.  If he is the devil in disguise, at some point the truth of who he is will show itself.  A little patience and a lot of smarts could save both her body and emotional well being.

The Psycho-Dom

This fellow is cunning and brilliantly manipulative.  He uses emotional triggers to cause havoc, sending the unsuspecting, trusting sub into a series of ups and downs, culminating in a devastating state of self doubt and low self esteem.

The Psycho-Dom ultimately creates a psychological dependence, resulting in the victim’s belief that she cannot live without him and becomes trapped in an emotional tornado from which she feels there is no escape.

Many of these men are narcissists and/or sociopaths.  The insidious carnage will begin slowly, the Psycho-Dom using his incredible charm and false kindness to draw in his victim.  The sweetness will unexpectedly transform into destructive fury or cold withdrawal, leaving the victim wondering what she could possibly have done to incur such wrath.

WATCH FOR:  Initially – too charming, too sweet, too giving, too perfect.  It’s all about them.  Overly confident and egotistical.  Extremely critical.  At the first sign of emotional blackmail, extreme possessiveness or sudden, severe personality change, bolt!

The Abuser

Sadly the Abuser is all too common.  Simply put, this is a man who uses the BDSM – or Dominant – labels as an excuse to abuse the women in his life.

The innocent, inexperienced sub may find it difficult to determine the difference between discipline within the D/s relationship, and the man who whips her mercilessly for his own twisted gratification stating, “You’re my sub and I’ll punish you as I see fit.”   Inasmuch as this is a common term in the D/s dynamic, it is easily hijacked and used to the Abuser’s advantage.

It goes without saying that anytime a woman, sub or vanilla, finds herself in a situation where she feels what she is experiencing is abuse, she should get out first and ask questions later.

WATCH FOR:  He tells you a safe word isn’t necessary.  Like the Psycho-Dom he’s possessive. He denigrates women and is overly critical.  He has a bad temper.   He’ll strike in anger –  then tell you it’s your fault.  At that point you’ve already stayed too long.  Bolt.

Married

If you’re looking for a serious, monogamous relationship watch out for The Married Dom.  Oftentimes this predator doesn’t reveal his ‘complicated situation’ until it’s too late.  The definition of  Too Late?   The sub is hopelessly in love.  We all know the pitfalls of becoming involved with a married man.  No need to go into detail here…

WATCH FOR:  He will only offer a cell phone number.  He will suggest places to eat in areas away from his work area.  He never invites you to his home.  He is unavailable on weekends and holidays.  (Same signs as his vanilla counterpart).

The Sadist

These guys are really scary.  They genuinely want to hurt you.  There is nothing romantic or loving about them.  They enjoy watching others suffer, both physically and emotionally, and have contempt for those around them.  They relish the humiliation of their victims and are naturally duplicitous.  Because most find sexual satisfaction in their sadism, they can disguise themselves as Dominants.

WATCH FOR:  OBD (obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  Putting you or themselves in unnecessary danger.  Ongoing anxiety.  The became easily and quickly irritated.  Anger issues.  Overly aggressive.

As the blog on MariMar’s page stated, there are many frauds, con men and posers out there.  There is so much more I would like to say and perhaps I’ll do a follow up blog at some point.  I will add that over time have learned to listen to what is actually said and not what I want to hear.  I no longer make excuses for another’s bad behavior, and common sense and intuition are my best friends.

For all the danger lurking in the shadows, there are some wonderful Princes in the world who are just as frustrated as the Princesses they seek.

Keep the faith!  At least we are watching out for each other and when we do stumble across “The One” – WOW – it will have all been worth it.

There is one type of Dominant that they haven’t mentioned within both posts, it is been causing problems on different websites like Fetlife and that is so called Dominate that has read “50 Shades of Grey” and think all submissive’s are an easy lay; submissive are just waiting to be fucked by any Dominant, and they haven’t got any experience of spanking, using the equipment like flogger or crop and are unwilling to accept advice from others.  The ones I have chatted with on Fetlife 90% of them are married as well.

I am not having a go at those who have read “50 Shades of Grey” and they have made the decision to join the lifestyle; as I also know a few people like that, I admire them.  The difference between those who had joined after reading THAT book and the type of Dominant I described above is the willingness to accept and seeking advice from others, willingness to learn.

Vile and Scott; Dominates that I admire a lot and I have been following their blogs for sometime and they advice they give is from a Dominate’s point of view and therefore I feel they should be included within any discussion regarding Dominate.

Vile’s advice is for us submissive’s:

The thing is a Dominant will do the same thing. Some tend to hide their drama, their problems, being married, or drama with the ex.

Are you married? Where do you live? May I come and visit anytime I wish? May I call anytime I want? If your divorced do you have any problems or drama with the ex? Do I come first? What do you want out of this relationship? Where do you see us in the future? Are you poly? Are you a switch? Are you Bi?

Many more questions will come to mind, but you as the sub or slave need to be clear. When you first meet, do not be scared to express yourself, your needs and what you expect out of a relationship.

If you do not ask questions, and you wake up one morning wondering what the fuck, it is your fault, then you just have to suck it up.Then if you want to continue, it is on you. If you need an unhealthy relationship or you thrive on drama, and you crave to be put back on the second burner. Then live with it.

It is much harder for someone new, I always ask, anything on your mind, anything you would like to know, ask me. I live by the truth not my cock..

Don’t let someone waist your time. Do not let someone drag you through the mud. The Dominant should be upfront about his life. Kids, ex, family.

Get a not pad, and write a list, of what your looking for in a Dom, and what your not looking for in a Dom, hand him your list. This is what I expect and will except nothing less.

I have told my new slave, call me anytime you want, sleeping or not. text me anytime you want, come over anytime you want. She will get a key to my place. I have nothing to hide. While in a relationship, she will come first, and why would she expect anything less.

I find it amazing how little people could careless how they hurt someone, nor care about feelings, or what damage may be done.

Scott’s advice is:

In the shadow cast by a certain neutral hued book series I think its fair to say that BDSM and D/s are not only at an all-time zenith as far as interest but also acceptance. Yes, say what you will about the reason for it, but as I have already gone on record “a rising tide floats all boats.”

But be warned – the waters are deep, dark and below the surface sharks circle, waiting for the schools of “inexperienced yet curious females” to swim with grey colored glasses on right into their waiting jaws.

I have no doubts that various websites devoted to WIITWD are seeing all-time records in memberships. I also have no doubt that the overwhelming majority of the people on these are there for the right reasons.

But, sadly, I also have no doubt that sharks posing as Dominants circle and wait. And flirt. Flatter. Say all the right things. Use the best bait to reel in that cute little inexperienced yet curious fish.

In that I am fortunate enough to have as my wife, soul mate and best friend a D/s BDSM doll to play with I do not have to worry about any of the above. Many whose blogs I Follow are in the same boat (see how I tied this all together, and even used tied to describe my cleverness?) in that they too are married.

But for many they need to actively search for a playmate. Which is fine. I hope all those who are curious and inexperienced can discover, learn, share, enjoy and experience all the beauty of D/s and BDSM.

But not at the price of one single fucking teardrop shed in actual, honest fear. Not worth it.

And I do not mean fear as is being afraid of the unknown that is their true self. Truth be told I wish them a river of release that way. No, what I mean are tears that flow as the result of being fucking afraid for their well being and, sadly, maybe their lives.

Not worth it. Period.

So, for those of you who have accounts on these sites and may be in the midst of a digital exchange that makes you feel alive, an exchange that someday you want to become flesh and blood, in person, in some hotel room over a weekend of lust and perversion, I implore, no beg of you, to PLEASE not just have a safety plan but also this:

An “unsafe word.”

First, your plan. Let’s look at this from the outside. You are about to meet a stranger to whom you are going to offer your body, mind and soul to do with they wish, however they wish. Odds are this will likely involve binding you physically defenseless, sightless and unable to speak.

Think real fucking hard about that last sentence.

You have established in writing what your hard limits are. You’ve also established a safe word to use, which if uttered ends all activities NOW. And for gag play you also have a clear and precise safe hand motion. Leigh and I use pinkies to thumbs.

You have told a dear friend or family member where you are going to be, how long you are going to be there, and established with them that they can either call you or you them at predetermined times to assure your safety and well being. If these calls are not made on time, your call buddy is to contact the local authorities IMMEDIATELY with your location, car make, license plate, etc.

And make sure your Top to be knows about this. If they balk at it, do not go. Simple as that. It’s a hard limit.

I’d even go so far as to ask of the person who is about to Dominate you in person to allow you to snap a cell phone pic of their license plate. If they balk, leave. Now. You are trusting them with your most prized possession – you. If they do not trust you with some simple information, leave. Now. It is all about trust, remember?

And one final thing. Have an “unsafe word”.

Tell your call buddy this word. Make it something very plain, something that could be used in simple conversation, something that would not draw attention. Do NOT tell anyone else. Ever. Only you two know this word.

When you check in via phone you now have a way to convey a 911 message to your friend without drawing attention. Example – make up a child’s name. Perhaps you say “Give (Unsafe Word) a big hug for me!” Which your friend will hear as “CALL 911 NOW!”

This could even go a step further. You might have an “I’m Safe” word. This word would, again, tell your call buddy that you are OK. It’s actually an “Unsafe Word” in reverse. Unless they hear the “I’m Safe” word during your phone call, they know to contact the proper authorities immediately. This would eliminate a forced “I’m OK, everything’s great” message as a way to hide coercion.

If this sounds a bit paranoid, I apologize. I think of safe words and the lot as the BDSM equivalent of fire extinguishers. Odds are you will live your life and never use one. But when you need it…

I take my responsibilities as Leigh’s Sir very fucking seriously. I am very protective of those around me. This includes Peeker™ Nation. I do not want my words on a screen to be the first domino that set off what became, because of poor planing and a lack of common sense, a terrifying experience. Odds are the person to whom who are choosing to submit to will be all that you are looking for.

Not often you will see a Dom beg. I beg this of you. Just be careful, please?

Please guys, stay safe and enjoy the rest of our weekend.

Naughty little girl

12 thoughts on “In Search For A Dominant: Fake/Fraud

  1. I agree with most things in her post, while I have purchased toys such as my tens unit, and violet wand, which cost me nearly 1200 us dollars. Many of my toys I make. Such as my flogger. I made a very well constructed flogger for about 10 dollars. Spreader bars, I made out of half inch PVC pipe, I have about 25 dollars in them, compared to almost a 100 dollars. My paddles I did purchase, as well as crops, that I purchased in a feed store for $ 6.99.
    Now this I would like to comment on.
    The Sadist
    These guys are really scary. They genuinely want to hurt you. There is nothing romantic or loving about them. They enjoy watching others suffer, both physically and emotionally, and have contempt for those around them. They relish the humiliation of their victims and are naturally duplicitous. Because most find sexual satisfaction in their sadism, they can disguise themselves as Dominants.

    I am a Sadist, maybe not as extreme as others I have seen. But if I was dating a submissive who was not a masochist, I would not try to push anything on the submissive, or force her past her limits. I am about Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
    Even seeing a masochist, there are still limits that have to be respected. I have been told I am scary.
    While in a relationship I am very loving and caring, mine will always come first, no matter what. She the submissive is the center of my world, she is all that matters.
    So I disagree with her statement.
    Vile

    • Vile,

      Thank you for the comment, I really appreciate it.

      This blog entry was designed to a guide to a new submissive, I pulled information from four different sources, I was trying to rounded view from all sides.

      As to the description of a sadist I don’t totally agree with it. I have two BDSM relationships and both I would consider them to sadist to different degrees.

      I believe Maggie Carpenter was trying to give an overview and that is why I included her post within in this entry. I wanted to be true to everyone’s blog’s entries that I included within my blog entry, so I didn’t want to edit, change or cut down their entries.

  2. I agree with Scott, on many things, once you arrive you should make a safe call to a friend and give them the address, a pic of the doms tag and sent to a friend. I would never ask a sub or slave to come to a motel , I have a house why would I ?
    I have calmed down a lot in the past 5 yrs or so, while I do still have a touch of sadist in me, just not so much any longer. Someone new I do allow a safe word, but the truth is no one has ever had to use it.
    I am in constant communication during a session, even if gagged, I can see her eyes. I stop and we talk about what just went on. What was it that scared her, ? What are her thoughts? When a problems arises I stop immediately no questions asked, I untie if she is bound.
    The submissive’s safety always comes first.
    I never session or have sex on the first meeting, NEVER . I would not want a relationship with someone that I fucked only knowing her for a half hr. Even if we had chatted for a month prior to meeting.
    A big red flag lets book a room. Why not his house? Do not say because he has roommates. that is a fucking cop out.

    I disagree with you about not going to events or knowing other dominants. If the Dominant has been in the lifestyle for any length of time then he has friends.
    A married dominant or what ever he is, preys on subs and slaves. Why ? because his wife wont take it up the ass, or refuses to suck dick. So he looks else where. He thinks a submissive is weak, that is far from the case.
    Many spend time trolling in chat rooms, they read, take mental notes. They know the right things to say.

    If a dominant has issues with his ex, or drama, then he needs to grow a pair of fucking balls. Prove he is who he says he is. Really to let an ex run ones life, fuck that. She is not sucking my dick, I am not fucking her . I have a partner now who fulfills my needs the submissive comes first, the ex comes when ever I choose.
    My ex wife knows about my lifestyle, and has become friends with a few of my partners, I am not speaking about them going out together, but can sat down at dinner with us and have a normal conversation.
    To let a bitch hes not even in a relationship still call the shots, that is not dominant. Just because he can tie you up, spank you, use a flogger. Does that make one a dom, I think fucking not.

    A Dominant is in full control, of his life inside and out. If he cannot control his own life, how can he control a submissive. Telling a sub to get on her knees is not being in control.

  3. Ahh see now I am wound up, not long ago I was over a friends house who is a dom, who is divorced. When I arrived at his house I could tell his submissive had been crying. So I ask him what was up? Did I come by at a bad time? He said no his ex was giving him grief .
    I said dude what is up with you and your ex? His reply was man you just do not understand. Well yes I do. Your a pussy, a man with no balls. I said look at her over there is this fair to her. To bring her into all this bull shit you have going on.
    This woman, cooks for you does your laundry, cleans your house, sucks your dick, and your putting her second, dude please.
    An Ex is just that a fucking Ex. There is a reason why they are not together. Do not say kids , I have a 14 year old. I am still his parent, if something is going on with him that I need to know about, she will call me. Would I go to her house, no there is no need. She brings my son to me, for our weekend visits.
    If anyone is seeing a Dominant like this, they should be told to get their shit together then give one a call.

  4. Thank you for sharing this. I think most of this information is really handy for new submissives. I think the key is to spend time talking and getting to know each other as equals. Until you’ve come to an agreement, you are just equals. As an experienced player, I know what I need, I know what I want and I know what it looks like. I’ve been playing for almost 20 years (I started young in the local BDSM community in a large city), so I’m experienced enough to know how to trust my instincts, but I didn’t get that way over night.

    A few comments I had:

    1)just because the Dom or sub, for that matter, is young, doesn’t mean they don’t have 10 years experience. Someone who is under 35 could easily have 10 years experience. I don’t necessary think that is a red flag, what’s a red flag is when the Dom or sub can’t articulate what they want or need, their limits and boundaries or why this type of relationship works for them.

    2)Some people don’t have the ability to have local ties to the community, they may not live in a place that has a community. I don’t think that’s a deal breaker. Again, I think the key is asking open ended questions and as a submissive, not being afraid to ask lots of questions. A good Dom is going to want to answer them, he is going to offer up information and be able to back it up. He does what he says he is going to do.

    3)Paying for things – I think it’s perfectly ok for a sub to have her own toys and toy bag, actually, I think she should be encourage too, especially if the Dom & sub are only casual play partners. I think some toys should be sub specific, things like dildos and plugs, etc. Regarding paying for meals, hotels, etc., it’s hard to generalize something like this as a red flag, even in the vanilla world, the man doesn’t pay for everything any more. I think this really depends more on the nature of the relationship between the Dom/sub.

    4)The Sadist – There are many wonderful Doms who are sadists as well. There is nothing wrong with Doms who are sadists and get sexual gratification from sadistic behavior as long as it’s consensual. My own Sir is a sadist Dom. Spend any amount of time reading my blog http://thegirlpashn.wordpress.com/ and you’ll see how much he enjoys torturing me, but he also enjoys taking care of me. He pushes me far for his own delight and when I think I can take no more, he pushes me further, but when he is done, he is always standing over me with his hand outstretched ready to bring me into his arms and most importantly, this is consensual.

    Overall – I think the key take-away here for a new submissive is to figure out what type of Dom you want, write it down, etc., and then ask the right type of probing questions, and trust your instincts. References are great as well, but weigh them properly, no one is ever going to provide a reference that is a bad reference for them. The other key take-away – don’t rush into something, listen to how the Dom responds to your questions, and ask for clarification. Don’t be afraid to politely decline if they want to see you again, but you, for what ever reason, don’t. They won’t be the last Dom to come your way!

    I met my Sir online, we had a few email & IM conversations, and we both pushed to meet in public quickly to determine if there was any type of connection (fortunately, we work near each other so meeting quickly was an easy thing to do). I walked out, after having drinks with him, knowing that he was what I had been looking for. Clearly, he felt the same way because now he owns me. But, I also had coffee with probably about 12 other Doms who I knew after talking to them that it would not be a good fit. I trusted my instincts, I trusted that voice inside that said “this won’t work the way you want or need it to work” and I wasn’t afraid to politely thank the Dom for meeting me for coffee, but that I just didn’t think it would be a good fit. Never be afraid to say that.

  5. Reblogged this on MaríMar and commented:
    Yes I know I am reblogging a reblog of my original post but I have a reason. Three in fact. 🙂
    1. I like her thoughts.
    2. She added 3 other people that have contributed to the same subject and express it well.
    3. It doesn’t hurt to spread the word.
    Ultimately use common sense. These descriptions are not black and white and they are just ideas to get you thinking and allow you to communicate with your potential Dom.

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