Sexual Dominance in BDSM

There seems to be a theme emerging within the world of BDSM bloggers recently and that is the discussion of Sensual/Sexual Domination.  Below is a quote which I believe best explains what this term means:

“In the BDSM realm is “Sensual Domination”.  I believe it is a sort of backlash to all the abusive situations that are arising from misinformed newbies/oldies and the media emphasis on S & M practices as the ne plus ultra.” Afirmgrip

Afirmgrip goes on to link a number of females Domme’s blogs as he believe who demonstrate this theory perfectly, but reading his post got me thinking to to something I read on Fetlife when I first joined.  There is a user called Dominant_Soul (DS), his writings have a huge following from both D’s and sub’s within the Fet community.  I would have like to shared with you all off what this insight Dom has to say but he has denied my request to copy the content over to here.  Therefore I am going to take elements from his writings; praying he is doesn’t mad, and see how what he has to say fits into theme of this post.

“Metaphorically, women are like sexual “slow-cookers” and men are like sexual “microwave ovens”.  A smart man would realize that if they spent more time/effort making the “slow-cooker” overheat a few times first THEN turned on the “microwave oven”, they would be rewarded with the wildest sex of their lives and they would have much happier, rewarding and satisfying relationships…”

A mistake that a lot of younger men; vanilla or BDSM, make is assuming that when they first start out on the path of trying to sleep with or please a women they think it a make out session or foreplay involves kissing, quick fondle of her breasts, grope around her fanny and she be ready for the “night of her life”.  A little of “wham bam, thank you madam” roll over and go to sleep.

Unfortunately, women don’t work that way, we are just wired different.  Women tend to use their imagination a lot more, have vivid fantasies, feel the suggestive texts, emails that you leave, appreciate the little things that you do for her, enjoys hearing what you think off her, the thoughts you are having about her and what has gotten hot and hard lately and what you would like to do to her the next time you meet/play/later that evening.

Most men; but not all, realize that first method doesn’t work that well and quickly move on, grow up, expand on what they will do for their lady and what gets the best result in and outside the bedroom.

What DS suggests in one of his articles is that men; not just Dominants, should enter a period of “Pre-foreplay”, I have tried to think of a different way of putting it, but DS has my put so beautifully that I going to post it below as he wrote it:

  • I ask you out for a special dinner at a fine restaurant that you have been dying to go to for next Saturday (10+ days away) – Giving your lots of time to think about all the details (dress, shoes, accessories) involving in getting ready for a special evening out.
  • I tell you I want you to go out to buy a new dress that will make other men drool over you and make them green with envy when you walk in the room. (So you know I want you to look sexy & glamorous)
  • I tell you that I love your pretty feet and really hot legs. I think you should go to the spa this week to get mani/pedi then buy a new pair of sexy strappy heels to show off your sexy legs. (So you clearly know I love to see lots of your legs)
  • Three days before our date, I call you at work to tell you I reserved a special suite at a down-town hotel and you should plan to pack an overnight bag. I also tell you that I want you to go buy something pretty and feminine to wear under your new dress for dinner and something really hot for our evening together (So you know I have distinct romantic plans well beyond dinner. I also want to change the setting from your place/home where your mind could wander to various issues/worries like the kids, neighbours hearing, laundry, bills etc during sex)
  • Two days before our date, I send you flowers to your work with a card saying “Thinking about you”. (This gives you a chance to glow about our romantic plans for the weekend with all you work colleagues and for you to call me…)
  • During dinner, I lean in close to you then tell you I want you to go to the Ladies Room, remove your sexy panties then slip them into my suit pocket when you return to the table… (I am letting you know I really want to see the naughty vixen inside you and I am putting you into a highly sexual mindset).

He states that this will turn a man’s wife or girlfriend into a porn star.  Now who wouldn’t want that for the lady in their life hehe.  In another post DS also reminds us all that kissing is much part of foreplay and can be sensual as well, he states

Kissing is the most deeply intimate act we do as people. A great kiss is like dancing the tango with a sexy partner; it has moments of raw passion and other moments of soft sensuality. It is a sensual dance of lips, mouths and tongues that express deep emotions and cravings.” and “Be cautious of anyone who won’t kiss, refuses to kiss or has stopped kissing you.”

To me kissing is a way of connecting with someone out of the bedroom/play times I am a touchy feely type of person so I like me kissing to include little touches and/or hugs.  I love to kiss my partner not just as a way of a greeting or a goodbye, also a way to tease, show them how much they mean to me and entice and show my intent/invite to another “play session” ;-).

Like DS I could not date anyone who kisses badly; from my point of view, there is somethings this girl can put up with and even accept but a bad kisser is not one off them. The best description of a kiss and it’s affect for me is a quote from The Princess Diaries (2001)  “I just hope that if he kisses me and my foot pops…  In old films, when a girl gets kissed her foot would kinda.. pop.” Now I believe that is what all us girls hope for when we met a possible new partner and our first kiss.

The above it not the reason why I though of DS when reading the blog entries today but in fact the ideas that I am going to explore below that I believe DS and his ideas are best encompass this idea or theme for this blog entry and what the other blogger’s are debating about today.

The next article from DS I am going to discuss is one he titled “Evil Dom Games” and the one off the articles I originally thought off when starting this blog entry.

Within in the article he describes four basic games that he likes to play with his submissive(s) he admits he adds or layers these game to improve the experience for the sub(s).  I will describe his game below; on a personal note I would better describe it as a play session:

  • DS suggests the first game should begin with the sub in the doggy position and have her count from 1 to 20, as his sub speaks each number the Dom will use either a cupped hand or paddle on her bottom.  He suggest adding vibrator on her clit or anally or nipple clamps.
  • The second game that DS suggests is inserting two fingers into the sub vagina and stroke her G-spot, remind the sub that she can’t come without permission or she will be punished.  He suggests taking her close to coming, the sub asks to come which is denied to her each time.  Each time she comes without permission the sub receives a “harsh paddling” on her butt and the process keeps being repeated again and again.
  • The third game he describes as playing with her mind, the Dom ties up her hands above her head and paddle her ass until it is bright red. This also includes the second game also.  But reminds those who are trying this game that the number of orgasms can make the sub’s legs can go weak and can collapse so quickly release the restraints if this happens.
  • The fourth and final game he describes is how DS likes to finish the session off by having what he describes as rough sex with his partner normally still in doggy position with the end result being one exhausted, over-whelmed, limp, sweaty and happy sub.

There is a second scene he describes is a truly erotic; well to me and roughly 570 Fet users, and it one I found only later, but I feel that DS describes how one play session to an unnamed sub, I will copy it here with a little editing but it will appear here nearly/close to how he posted it on Fetlife.

  • You are naked except for 5″ strappy high heels, black sheer stockings with garters and a black shelf bra which leaves your nipples fully exposed.
  • Blindfolded
  • Nipple clamps attached to your breasts with the chain held in your mouth…
  • Wrists tied together then secured to the far end of the dining table so you are bent over and drawn across the table.
  • Ankles tied to the legs of the table to keep your pussy gaping open
  • I ask you to count from 1-20 out loud. With each number you say out loud, I smack your ass with a leather paddle. I make you count out loud so you are essentially asking for your own punishment. With each stroke you ask, “Please Sir, may I have another”. The paddling arouses every nerve in your body and fills your brain with endorphin’s. Now your body is super-sensitive to all types of stimuli – pleasure or pain…
  • I will gently soothe your red ass flesh with soft caresses with a silk scarf wrapped around my hand and gentle kisses on your hot, pink ass. I am giving you a short mental and physical break before your next “training element”
  • After you reach 20 paddles, your body is thrashing wildly at the slightest touch. I gently insert a thin vibe deep in your ass to arouse your G-spot, I hold a wand vibrator against your clit then begin to slowly fuck you from behind with a 10″ thick dildo. I grab a handful of your hair, twist it into a ponytail then pull your head back. I am attempting to overwhelm you by stimulating all your erogenous zones at once (nipples, ass, clit, G-spot, ass).
  • However, there are rules to the game we are playing. You MUST ask me permission to cum! If you cum without permission, you will be severely punished for disobedience.
  • Whenever you ask for permission, you must first pull up on the chain of the nipple chain when asking. I want you to intensify your own stimulation whenever asking to be allowed to cum.
  • For the first few times (1-5) you ask permission to cum, I always say “NO” then proceed to fuck you furiously with the dildo and pull your head back by your hair, so you must strain physically and mentally not to cum with an overload of various simultaneous stimulation on all your erogenous zones (clit, G-spot, pussy, ass, nipples and hair).
  • When I sense you are at the very brink of cumming, I suddenly stop fucking with the dildo and smack your ass really hard with the paddle – the sudden sharp shock of pain breaks your concentration and makes you gasp for air so you can’t cum but it also leaves you extremely aroused and still at the brink of cumming.
  • Now I tell you to count to 1-20 for me once again…
  • After 20 more paddles on your already sensitive ass, you are breathless, panting, quivering, thrashing and still highly aroused and excited from your rough dildo fucking
  • We repeat this cycle of furious fucking followed by paddling for 3-5 cycles until you are absolutely begging for mercy…
  • When I sense you are at your very limit, I re-insert the dildo into your pussy for the final time. This time when you ask permission to cum, I say “YES”…
  • However, your body is now in a super-aroused and hyper-aroused state from being brought to the brink of cumming so many times during our play. This time I don’t stop fucking you with the dildo… And you just keep cumming and cumming and cumming and cumming and cumming…
  • I won’t stop fucking your pussy until I see your legs begin to shake/spasm uncontrollably then they fail to be able to support you weight. As your body goes completely limp on the table, I know I have sucked every orgasm from your body and your mind as melted.
  • I then untie you from the table and carry you to the bedroom. I bend you over the edge of the bed then excruciatingly slowly fuck your super-sensitive pussy. I ask you, “Who is my dirty little slut??”. I am attempting to melt your mind. I will continue you to fuck your slow until your beg for my cum load. Then I grab your hips tightly and begin to fuck your furiously with my hard cock.
  • Afterwards, I lay you on the bed, wipe your sweaty body and face with a warm damp cloth, brush your hair then massage and soothe your entire body with warm scented oil. I then hold you naked body close as I kiss you sensually to thank you deeply for your precious and rare gift of complete submission.

My experience in BDSM is very limited and it is very much only just beginning.  I am well read and have done a lot research since my journey has began and what DS has written is not the norm of how Dominants treat their submissives.  I am also not suggesting that this should be how all Dom’s should act; in part, because Dom’s like every other person on the planet have different kinks, expectations, life experience and wants with their relationship. Additionally, their sub’s are wide and varied as well with different expectations of how/want/should to be treated.

When reading DS articles/journal entries I find them to well written, erotic and believe that DS’s sub; whoever she may be, is one lucky lady.  I also know that DS has written this for BDSM community but I believe every man doesn’t matter whether they are classed as vanilla, BDSM or another kink maybe should consider what this insightful gent has to say on how to treat your sexual partner even if it is once in while.

I just believe that DS and his approach makes interesting reading and is food for thought on what a D/s could be like from time to time.

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