Reblog:- What Not to Say/Do in D/s, M/s

Every little girl love a hug from their Daddy

I found this forum thread on another site – god did it may giggle A LOT  with tears running down my cheeks from laughing so much, so thought I would share.

  • I was sticking out my tongue and making faces at my Owner. Sticking out your tongue is rude and you shouldn’t do it. Making faces often involves screwing up your eyes, which means you can’t see as much of what’s going on around you. There is antiperspirant in the bathroom. My Owner has excellent reaction times. Although antiperspirant has a color and texture that is vaguely reminiscent of butter-cream frosting, it does not taste anywhere near as nice.
  • When receiving a spanking, do not whirl around and spank him back.
  • If he covers your mouth with his land, licking it all over will only bet the saliva wiped off on your face.
  • If he’s not sure of what he’s going to wear, do not offer him your thong.
  • Accidents with water ~cough~ are never appreciated.
  • Fucking around with the coffeecup and the contents within will result in you drinking it in one foul swig.
  • Spitting out the ballgag will result in a larger, more tightly fitted ballgag.
  • Do not attempt to put a ballgag on the Master. This gets ugly very fast.
  • Hitting Master with a riding crop results in being hit back harder… with the handle.
  • Attempting to hide the whip results in blood play…with the whip.
  • Do not draw faces on all the anal plugs and give them names
  • Do not sing happy birthday and blow out the candle during wax play
  • Do not sing anything you can do I can do better while being flogged, paddled, or spanked
  • Do not tell him my knife is bigger than your knife
  • Do not snatch the flogger in a scene and hit him back with it
  • Do not slide the nipple clamps behind the dresser, deny having ever seen them, because his young son may come out wearing them on his ear lobe a few weeks later
  • If you are sent to find the paddle in the toy bag do not hide it by clenching it between your butt cheeks and pretending you cannot find it
  • Do not slip your hands out of the locked cuffs he didn’t secure tightly and scratch your nose during a scene only to slide your hand back in
  • Do not have submissive friends near by when you yell red, they may yell back she said green and you hit like a bitch
  • Do not say dick head after he puts you into an arm bar and then tells you to say Daddy (sort of like say uncle). It come out as Daddy Dick Head.
  • If he tells you to not call him an Evil Mother Fucker and you hear instead Now tell me I am an Evil Mother Fucker ask for clarification before responding
  • never blow Sir a raspberry.
  • never dare Sir, or ask him if “that’s all [he’s] got?!”
  • never EVER quote Aqua songs at Sir, because Sir is a metalhead with an undying hatred of Aqua. However funny it was that you only did it because he mentioned that he had a PhD, causing you to quote “Dr. Jones” at him.
  • ~ when cybering, do not make “innocent” comments to Sir about how you are in various states of undress. Last time I did that, I had to do a strip tease for him.
  • NEVER never never EVER be pleasuring Sir with your mouth, and then stop just before he would finish as payback for something that happened in an online game…it leads to a reminder that slaves don’t get the luxury of paybacks.
  • Do not mention to Sir that you are ticklish when hyper. Especially when hyper is your normal state of being (yay~ AD–oooh, kitty!).
  • Do not tease Sir, and then when he mentions punishing you for teasing, remind him that he is across the ocean by playing “Can’t Touch This” in the chat room.
  • Don’t ask her if she wants fries with that?
  • Don’t say anything about wanting to run a four star hotel (in reference to cleaning the house).
  • Don’t yawn and ask “Is that all you got?”
  • Don’t say “Well, if your tired.” (in reference to being asked if you had enough play)
  • Don’t give them tweezers ever!
  • Don’t miss match her shoe collection while she is gone.
  • Don’t her if she is sure..really sure about what ever she has asked you to do.
  • Don’t ask her to define is great detail her order to you.
  • Don’t tell her that isn’t what Spock or Captain Kirk would do?
  • Don’t tell him he is a few crayons short of a 64 box.
  • Don’t ever tell him Awww…IT looks so cute!
  • Don’t ever tell her she must have been born in the Ice Age. Then ask her if she knows Sid?
  • Don’t spank Sir. This results in being tied to a doorframe for a LONG time.
  • Don’t tell Sir he hits like a girl. Ohhh no. This results in a very SERIOUS whipping.
  • Don’t sing the Lamb Chop theme song after Sir has tied your hands and legs. This results in very scary things that make me go EEP!
  • Don’t turn Sir’s shower cold by flushing while he is cleaning however funny it may seem.
  • Don’t whack Sir with a pillow.
  • Don’t tell Sir he is a pretty pretty princess
  • (heard from stories of others) Don’t tie Sir’s shoelaces together
  • Don’t switch Sir’s drink without telling him (i.e, water for sprite; lemonade for mountain dew)
  • Don’t give Sir wedgies…
  • NEVER EVER GIVE SIR a RASPBERRY on his TUMMY
  • When Sir has instructed you to bring him a glass of water … DO NOT EVER go into the kitchen, fill a water glass with straight vodka, and bring that to him instead. And ESPECIALLY do not compound the felony by doubling over with laughter when he spews the vodka across the room (those were some major league ooowwiies…) 🙂
  • Do not look at him and say.. is that all you have got? Umm wow…. that hurts
  • Walking through the parking lot of a store OR into his parents house do not smile at him when he threatens to spank you and say: Promises Promises Promises.. You always promise a good time
  • Do not be playing with another sub/switch and swat Sir on the butt while he’s taking time with her… It gets you bruised (My bestie did that.. rotten skunk.> I’ll get even!)
  • Do not continue to poke Sir when he says stop
  • Saying NO is not a good idea.. unless you want it
  • And my all time favorite is the cheeky grin.. laying in bed teasing him with tantalizing touches and then stopping, reminding him of the first night.. saying.. “I thought you said you were gonna beat the brat outta me?” then laughing hysterically while he proceeds to keep his promise. IT’s NEVER a good idea!
  • tying the hands of Sir with silk scarves will only result in over the knee spanking
  • daring your besties to say NO in seven different languages only results in you getting spanked doubly
  • Don’t hide the flogger behind the couch and forget about it…. Young children have a way of finding them and trying to explain to them that its a cat toy and the cat doesn’t like it IS not going to work…. You’ll go back to whatever you were doing..and the child will find it again.. and the next thing you’ll hear is BAD CAT… and the cat flies through the house with the child on it’s tail.. swatting it…. ((Yes.. YEARS ago, when I first found the lifestyle this happened. IT was a homemade rope flogger and was behind the couch for MONTHS because I had company arrive within five minutes of me getting home.. and i promptly forgot about it. I still have yet to forget the look on my Sir’s face when this happened.. )
  • After sexy time once (this is pure evil) He was just dowsing off into a lovely sleep.. I had a huge urge and BOOOOO He bloody jumpted through the roof, I tell ya I’ll never do that again. But hell it was hilarious!!
  • Oh also I shove my hands in the freezer whilst preping dinner, If he comes to be nosy, my hands go straight down his pants!!!! Hahaha… I get a good spanking in the kitchen after that almost everytime grins.
  • Don’t ask Master for a playfight when your nipple is already between his fingers.
  • Don’t whinge you must get out of bed and start the day when one of Master’s favourite things to do is push you out of bed – he loves the squeal and thump when i hit the floor.
  • Don’t shake his beer can before you give it to him, no matter how cute you think he might look with beer dripping off his face.
  • (This one is more a ‘natural consequences’ no-no than a disciplinary no-no) Don’t exchange sexy texts with Sir while you are at work, especially if you happen to be wearing skin-tight jeans and no panties. When your puss dries, the jeans will be glued to your crotch, and you will not be able to move… And trying to get them unstuck is not only unpleasant but also (in that setting) highly embarrassing….
  • Do NOT wake up Sir from a nap with ice on his nipple
  • NEVER bop him on the nose and say “No.”
  • NEVER smack him on the ass and tell him he’ll grow to enjoy it.
  • NEVER give him scritches and tell him he is a ‘good boy’.
  • NEVER tell him he is a ‘lazy master’ for not punishing you.
  • NEVER snap your fingers and order him to make you toast. Especially when he has just gotten up.
  • When you are tied spreadeagled to the bed and Sir is standing over you holding his cruelest flogger, that is NOT the best time to start singing “Hit me with your best shot, come on and hit me with your best shot…” Believe me, after he stops laughing, HE WILL!
  • When your “Dom” wants you to wake him up from a nap, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT put ice down his pants….
  • When Sir tells you to do something, it’s not wise to roll your eyes at him and respond with a sarcastic, “Whatever you say.”
  • When ordered to give a BJ don’t give sir a grin, and say “Well ask nicely then!” This results in head being grabbed and a fairly brutal face fuck…
  • “Stop It Motherfucker!” is not a safe word. (Yes, I know it should be)
  • Scraping your teeth won’t get you out of a blow job. (I was just as shocked as you!)
  • “Get it yourself” doesn’t earn you any brownie points. (hey, it was worth a try)
  • “That didn’t hurt”, “I dare You”, “You can’t!” (Do I need to explain those?)
  • “Your aim sucks” will get you target practice. (with YOU as the target.)
  • Purposely skipping numbers during the spanking count “16, Sir”…. “17, Sir”… “22, Sir” only gets you back to number one… (funny as fucking hell when they dont catch it though)
  • Which brings up… try to avoid getting the giggles when He’s lecturing/spanking you.. they HATE that.
  • You really shouldn’t laugh when they trip over the very rope they are trying to tie you up with either.
  • Humming the “Jeopardy” theme, tapping your toes, sighing, or checking your watch while Master fiddles with a knot doesn’t please Him so much.
  • Never.. ever.. under any circumstances… bend over at the waist to pick something up off the floor in front of Him. Never. (always crouch girls… bend at the KNEES)
  • Ditto that for walking up the stairs in front of Him. (its a little like dangling a pork chop bone in front of a starving dog)
  • And when He does pinch or slap your ass when you walk by or bend over… dont slap at His hand, give Him a dirty look or mumble “that hurt asshole”… or any variation similar to those. (They can be so touchy!)
  • Trying to claim that you were telling Him He was ‘number one in your eyes’ when you just got caught flipping Him the bird usually doesn’t fly. (get it? bird? fly? hahaha)
  • When He is down on His knees adjusting your ankle cuffs, don’t mention that He looks mighty fine like that and would make a sexy little bitch boy. (It’s really almost worth the expression on His face though.)
  • When He asks “did that hurt, slut?” after a particularly hard swing do NOT say “DUH..here’s yer sign!”
  • When your Master tells you to get the cane and cane yourself 3 times hard (He KNOWS i hate self-punishment!), never ask Him if you can do it to Him first to show Him what it feels like… BAADD idea! eek!
  • When your Master tells you to do something (for example to bend over the bed for a caning or leather punishment)… never interject with the word “BUT I….” lol um, yeah. Didn’t end up good at all.
  • “Get me a beer, woman,” the correct response is not “Get your own damn beer.”
  • a surprise waxing of his arm pit while he’s sleeping.. ‘nough said
  • When Master makes the coffees because you’re not feeling well don’t respond with “so does that make you my bitch for the day?”
  • Never, while giving your Sir a pedicure, paint his toe nails a bright red without his knowledge. Somehow he didn’t notice until he was in the gym locker room the next day. Thought it was pretty, until later when my ass matched his nails.
  • “Kiss my grits, boy!
  • “In your dreams…”
  • “Aww, take off, eh!” (this one is for the Canadians in the group)
  • “You think so, do you?”
  • “Yeah, who’s gonna make me? Oh yeah? You, and whose army?”
  • “Stuff a sock in it, already!”
  • “You know where you can stick THAT idea!”
  • “You are cordially invited to go fuck yourself.”
  • grabbing the rope while Sir is tying you up, and challenging him to a tug of war?
  • when your Dom says he’s an asshole, don’t agree! Even sarcastically. Especially if you just finished washing the wooden paddle
  • Evidently patting a dom on the head and saying what a nice little pet he would make doesnt go over too well…
  • Saying that you will both show up to a dinner “with bells on” and then following up with “he will be wearing the bells”…will cause you to be the proud owner of a COW BELL that you may have to carry with you…every where! grumble grumble Cow bells are heavy and ugly, well until it got painted purple and had sparklies put all over it!!!
  • He’s gone away for the weekend to visit a close friend who knows of our relationship, i want to send a good night message and having trouble thinking of the perfect phrase, i am thinking about something like “good night snuggle bunny”. Of course this message will be sent through his friend just to get the full effect, tee hee!!!
  • when Master playfully smacks your ass in a public place don’t start singing “hit me baby one more time”….He will…. much later… then will find some amusing way to screw up your orgasm during the hot sex that comes after….with Master this was a goofy character voice saying…..”Hayuck…Whose Your daddy!”
  • Humming “Pop Goes the Weasel” while my owner is fucking me is a pretty bad idea, I learned that the hard way.
  • NEVER NEVER delete Masters rules off the computer after being told to go and review them again…and after deleting them definately do not tell him “rules…what rules….there are no rules here”(evil grin)….do trust me it is not worth it and they do not forget the rules and I do not think I will anytime soon…
  • Don’t recommend handcuffing Master to the bed while he is sleeping and “making him pretty” either….trust me this ends very very badly… do you know how hard it is not to laugh while you are being spanked by Master with bows in his hair and mascara and red lipstick on…
  • You should not put cute little stickers all over his briefcase….even if it made it sooooo much prettier.
  • Do not recommend taking Masters tools used for punishment and duck taping them to the ceiling…and when caught and asked why you did it do not answer “I was only putting them high enough that I thought your ego couldn’t reach them (evil grin)”….
  • Also do not recommend playing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” while dancing around in Masters boxers and hitting him with his own belt…he will not find it as funny as you do, I guarantee it…especially if one of your rules is do not touch my belt EVER…I know that rule by heart now…lol
  • Just as another little fun fact…dropping water balloons filled with cold water and mustard from the second story bedroom window onto Master’s head and yelling “FOUR” is really not a really good idea….funny as all get out but ends painfully lol…
  • Never compare Sir to a carebear, noteven grumpy bear.
  • Don’t ever dream that your car is rolling down the hill and grab for the handbrake in your sleep… Sir does not appreciate it at any time of the day, although at three o’clock in the morning when he was asleep it does seem that much worse. Fortunately his “handbrake” was not injured although I am still apologising
  • Putting a BDSM hood on, a collar, cuffs and boots tying a sheet/blanket around my neck, and jumping into his room while he’s reading proclaiming “I AM… POWER SUB! FEAR MY SUBMISSIVE QUALITIES” while striking a pose
  • never never braid his floggers…..trust me..hurts worse than unbraided lol
  • telling a Dom “rules are made to be broken” is certainly not a good idea, because it will earn you the response “Oh really?” and then the look on His face as He tries to come up with a rule to defy that logic will just make you gulp
  • When he says, “I’m the Dom, I make the rules.” Don’t respond, “well I’m the sub and I make the food, so I wouldn’t mess with me.” The look on his face was pretty funny though
  • Never put a cold wax strip on his leg while he’s asleep.
  • During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.
  • If your dom/me tells you to “Look me in the eyes,” do it cross-eyed.
  • If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say “Neener, neener, neener, I can’t hear you!”
  • Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword.
  • If you’re trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can’t do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.
  • Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered.
  • After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you’re OK, jump up and yell “Gotcha!”
  • Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.
  • Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on! Clap off!)
  • “Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!” is not considered boot worship.
  • Doing your Beavis and Butthead imitation of “Fire, fire, fire, fire!” during Master’s lecture on fireplay safety is considered rude.
  • Responding with “Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Weenie” is not appropriate when Master asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene.
  • Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Master practices his Japanese rope work on you will try his patience, quickly.
  • Checking Master’s head for the 666 symbol after a harsh punishment will only get you more of the same, or worse.
  • “I know you are but what am I?” is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play.
  • “Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me” is an unacceptable remark when Master’s flogger slips.
  • When Master pulls out his bullwhip and says he wants to play, he doesn’t mean hide-and-seek
  • “Oh, and you think I am?” is an unacceptable response to hearing your dominant say he is not pleased.
  • During a play party is not the time to do your hilarious imitation of Igor and hunch over, moaning “Yes, Master” when ordered to fetch something.
  • Singing the chorus of “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better” under your breath during a session is considered foolhardy.
  • Asking “Is that as HARD as you can hit??” is considered a cry for help amongst submissive suicide prevention workers.

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